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I Swear I Lived

I wrote this with amalgam feeling to wrap up the last week occasions in my life. Because after all, the last week is the new beginning of a new life chapter and the aftermaths of many circumstances happened beforehand.

During Ramadan, I wrote that I might take the road not taken, yes, indeed I did it.

The first, I somehow successful in registering my first step to further study in Masters for research, at the same old place, a proud UKM. It's indeed a tough decision to make. It took me at least 2 months before I gave it a go.

The saying goes around, what use of continuing the study after having a Degree, since the life ahead is about having a job, possess some assets and get married. No, I oppose. I have my own life and its come with my own terms of how I would design it.

It’s begun with the one and only question: Why?

And so, I ask why I shouldn’t let others decide for my life and to assemble the way of life look like to me. It’s solely upon myself to make I believe in my own principle, to live the life in all but others expectancies.

Yet it might welcome lots of ambiguities ahead, I am ready for it.

The supervisor is great, the research centre is hospitable. All I need is the focus and determination. In the hope that this journey ahead will always bless by ALLAH. If you ask me whether I felt anxious or not, the answer yes, indeed. I am edgy. I called my mum several times.

I found my mum’s voice very reassuring, emboldening and warm. It was all I need right now.

The old mum, the same person who never gave up to love us thousand times more than we love them throughout the entire life.

The old loveliest lady on mighty earth, who might not have decorated academic diplomas, however, they not to devote us whenever we want it. Their warmness and fidelity and blessing are all that we want in this world.

She is supporting my decision, and that is matter.

Another occurrence of the last week, I started my very first Arabic class under CASIS UTM. To learn Arabic despite not having any fundamentals and jump straight forward into the classical Arabic class, make some of my classmates stare at me like I am foolish. It’s a laugh to think about it, actually.

I too am surprised and not believing myself for this decision. As for the motivation, I keep telling myself, it was a step. It is a step that I need to take right now at the moment. I maybe make it or cannot at last, albeit, it’s already a step taken.

The significant is my instructor and lecturer is incredibly considerate and supportive. He understands my difficulties, and he set the pace with my ability very conveniently. The teaching will take 2 years to complete the syllabus — to master the beginner and intermediate level of classical Arabic language.

In two years, I put a target by the time my Master's study reaching it peaks, I would be able to speak and understand Arabic texts very well.

Is that hard to achieve?

Definitely, it is not. It depends on us. For me, particularly.

The gist here is, I make a step. The outcome doesn’t matter as much as I very well acknowledge this is life. To live the life is about how dare is I to make a step and facing the consequences.

Furthering the study in Masters and taken an Arabic class, is the decisions. The choices make a life. To make the life meaningful and momentous, I need to live with it and to face the consequences and have the guts and to bleed and to give all I had.

Definitively, for every broken bone, I swear I lived.

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